Red Bulls in Florida, Or: Finally, Some Actual Soccer

Man alive am I happy the team is finally actually doing something, even if they are hidden away in Florida. If you think things were boring around here during the massive, post-draft lull, just imagine how they were in my head. It was ugly, trust me.

But now! Not only is the team training, but the official website is offering daily reports from camp. Which means, obviously, that we’ll only know what they want us to know: No details on who shows up fat and out of shape, no reports on who sneaks out to go clubbing, and no word on which midfielders got into a brawl in the middle of a five-a-side game. That said, I guess official reports are better than no reports at all. I mean, where would we be without these choice tidbits?

•Fitness coach and Bruce Arena homie Pierre Barrieu was a French international in handball.

•Danny O’Rourke, AKA my favorite ex-Red Bull, is nearby, training with the Crew. Perhaps he could be smuggled back to NY when the team comes home?

•Troublingly, Jozy Altidore has a Rubik’s Cube. Which he plays with. How does he even know such a thing exists? There’s no way he was born when I was peeling the stickers off of mine, trying to make it look like I’d solved it.

•Claudio Reyna, who is clearly out of touch with American sports, chose the Bears to win the Super Bowl because “they have cooler uniforms.” Dude, if that was all it took, the Red Bulls would be world-beaters!

Stay tuned for future, muckraking reports on which tree each player would be, their favorite colors, and who spends longest in the shower.

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Category: CURRENT ROSTER