Soccer Plauged At Giants Stadium

By: Dave Martinez | July 27th, 2009

After a dismal 2009 Red Bull season, and a beating and a half at the hands of Mexico, members of the Center for Disease Control (CDC) were contacted to analyze the pitch at Giants Stadium. The findings were astounding.

Dr. Neverwin took samples of the plastic grass on the rubber pitch and found a new viral strain, which only attacks and deteriorates the area of the brain that controls “soccer IQ” cells. Symptoms include incoherence, confusion and passing the ball to the other team. Prolonged exposure can manifest itself in an insatiable appetite to give up early and late goals.

“Due to the radioactive swamp land this Stadium was built upon, compounded by exposure to bad soccer over the course of many years, the stadium became a breeding ground for this newly formed strain,” she explained. “Bad soccer can really have a negative effect.”

American Football, meanwhile, remains unaffected.

Neverwin detailed the symptoms of the strain, now being dubbed the “Osorigoof” virus. “Short term exposure deteriorates even the best of players. Recently, one Gabriel Cichero entered the CDC office to express concern over prolonged mental issues that were effecting his ability to properly defend,” she explained. “He was complaining about seeing American Football yard marks everywhere he went, and an obsessive urge to give a ball up to anyone he would see. We matched last years blood sample from a previous physical to this years findings, and wouldn’t you know it; he got Osorigoof.”

When asked for comments, Red Bulls coach Juan Carlos Osorio had this to say: “Ya, that’s the ticket!”

And this would also explain the United States Mens National team 5-0 collapse at the hands of Mexico.
Coach Bob Bradley, suffering from a mild case, had to be carted off the field yesterday and given intravenous fluids to revive him. Unfortunately, he was unavailable for comment.

Osorigoof is real. But, for now, there is no cure. If you know someone who is suffering from these symptoms, please, call the Center for Disease Control today. And have that person removed. Immediately.

*Smile. It’s Monday Morning.*